"Wasn't Thinking of Honor Harrington, Really..."

Spotted on a mailing list.

Bursting through the sixteenth wormhole
Fourteen hundred plus times light speed
Spaceship Hiawatha sparkled
Like an actinium torchlight

On the strangely still command deck
Lounged her steely-eyed commander
Captain Alexandra Dipthong
Lately of the planet Portia

She had come out here in search of
Evil pirates of this sector
Raiders of galactic shipping
Bad-ass nasties, every one

This time she was really after
One very special super asshole
Blackjack Andy Quentin Hardy
Torturer of little kittens

Hardy hid out somewhere close by
In his castle in the asteroids
Orbiting the blue star Astrid
Guarded by his dragon, Reggie

Hardy was from Alabama
Not the Earth one, but another
A planet settled by the rednecks
Ruled by the sons of NASCAR

Thrown out of the inner systems
Vowing vengeance on the good guys
They set up their silly kingdom
Dedicated to their visions

Slowly, Alexandra crept up
To the planet Alabama
Sensors seeking Andy Hardy
Into every nook and cranny

Suddenly a ping pinged onscreen
Of the major peeking peeker
Finding Andy's hidden castle
On the asteroid Dingleberry

Calling her assault commander
Alex sped down to the boat bay
Jumped aboard a landing craft there
Gave the order to get going

Swooping under Dingleberry
Assault craft in attack formation
Touched down softly on the asteroid
From which jumped marines with weapons

Lasers flashing, grenades booming
Pushed by jumpjets in their spacesuits
Alexandra's task force stormed on
Breaching Andy Hardy's holdout

After mopping up the stragglers
Troopers grabbed the super asshole
Held him tightly for their Captain
Who addressed him as he stood there:

"I have you now, you nasty villain
You will now face civil justice.
Taken to our courts you will be.
Probably, you will be quartered"

"Hah, you bitch", exclaimed the pris'ner
"You ain't got me to your home yet.
Many friends have I way out here.
They like you as much as I do."

Then they bundled up the captives
Loaded them into the shuttles
Took them to the Hiawatha
And departed for the homeland

As she gazed out of the porthole
At departing Dingleberry
Alexandra smiled with pleasure
Job accomplished, bad guy captured

But the thing that she remembered
Giving her the greatest pleasure
Was what she had done while leaving—
Shooting Andy's dragon Reggie

Author (?) credit: "MajorOz"