Guardsman

I went into a flop house to get some sacra clear,
The barman points me to the door, “We don’t serve guardsman here.”
The girls sat at the bar, they laughed and sniggered ‘til they burst,
I walked into the street again and damned them with a curse,
O it's Guardsman this, and Guardsman that, and "Guardsman, go away";
But it's Our Brave Imperial Soldiers, when the band begins to play,
The band begins to play, my boys, the band begins to play,
O it's Our Brave Imperial Soldiers when the band begins to play.

I went into a temple as sober as could be,
They gave a drunk civilian room, but the priest had none for me;
They sent me to the courtyard because without so much a grunt,
But when it comes to fightin', Lord! Then I’ll be in front!
For it's Guardsman this, and Guardsman that, and Guardsman, wait outside";
But it's first aboard the shuttle when the starships on the tide,
The starship's on the tide, my boys, the starship's on the tide,
O it's first aboard the shuttle when the starships's on the tide.

Yes, making mock of uniforms that guard you while you sleep
Is cheaper than them uniforms, and Emperor knows they’re cheap;
And hustling drunken soldiers when they've had a little bit
Is five times better business than parading in full kit.
Then it's Guardsman this, and Guardsman that, and Guardsman, how's your soul?"
But it's Our Brave Imperial Soldiers when the drums begin to roll,
The drums begin to roll, my boys, the drums begin to roll,
O it's Our Brave Imperial Soldiers when the drums begin to roll.

We’re not Our Brave Imperial Soldiers and we aren't no heretics too,
But single men in barracks, in other ways like you;
And if sometimes our conduct don’t show enough restraint,
Why, a single man in barracks don't make a very good saint;
While it's Guardsman this, an' Guardsman that, an' "Guardsman, fall behind",
But it's "Please to walk in front, sir", when there's trouble in the wind,
There's trouble in the wind, my boys, there's trouble in the wind,
O it's "Please to walk in front, sir", when there's trouble in the wind.

You talk of better food for us, and prayer schools, and homes and all:
We'll wait for extra rations if you treat us rational.
Don't mess about with cook-room slops, but prove it to our face
The Emperor’s Uniform is not the Guardsman's disgrace.
For it's Guardsman this, and Guardsman that, and "Chuck him out, the brute!"
But it's "Saviour of the Imperium when the guns begin to shoot;
And it's Guardsman this, and Guardsman that, and anything you please;
And Guardsman ain't an utter fool -- you bet that Guardsman sees!

(John Lambshead, after Rudyard Kipling)