Sunday, January 06, 2008

100+ Things I'm Not Allowed...

...To Do In Nelson's Navy. Originally posted at The Gunroom mailing list.

01. My official title is Midshipman, not Superman.
02. I will not tell anyone that I can have them keelhauled for disobeying my orders.
03. When addressing Lt. Hornblower, I will call him 'Sir'. I will not add 'Lancelot'.
04. The main mast is not 'the mightiest tree in the forest' and I will stop trying to cut it down with a herring.
05. The ship does not weigh the same as a duck. I will not try to burn it.
06. I will not confess to mutiny in ships I was not on.
07. When asking if someone was dropped on the head as a child, I will not use Wellard as a demonstration.
08. I will keep any jokes involving doing the breast-stroke to myself.
09. I will not say there are klingons on the starboard bow.
10. I will not taunt the French.
011. I will not refer to Dr. Maturin as 'Dr Strangewig'.
012. I will not use Dr. Maturin's wig to scrub the deck.
013. I am not one of the sailors who say Ni.
014. 'All your base are belong to us' is not an acceptable means of making people surrender.
015. I will not push the captain and then yell 'pwned!'.
016. I will not use the words 'I'm the king of the world', under any circumstances.
017. It is not necessary to stand on the table and shout "Oh captain, my captain", however loyal you may be.
018. I will not tell people that the powder monkeys are actual monkeys.
019. I will not teach the crew to play 'port and starboard'.
020. I will not yell 'two men on a desert island', and jump on the nearest crew member.
021. OMGWTF is not a nautical term.
022. "I've heard every possible joke about the name Hornblower" is not a challenge.
023. I will not ask Jack to show me the pointy hat trick.
024. I will not attempt to outrun explosions by diving out of the way at the last possible second.
025. I will not refer to Nagel as the mandatory surly crew member.
026. Nor Davis, Joe Plaice or anyone else who looks at me funny either.
027. I will not continuously emphasize the word 'death' in order to scare people.
028. I will not have an opinion with regard to anything, ever.
029. When someone says 'the dons', adding 'da-dun-dun' is only funny the first time.
030. I will not convince new sailors that we are fighting a large army of actual frogs.
031. When attacked by the Spanish, I will not yell 'nobody expects the Spanish inquisition'.
032. I will not ask Midshipman Hammond how he opened the Chamber of Secrets.
033. Standing on top of a plank and shouting 'man over board' is not funny.
034. When rendering passing honours, I will not conduct a Mexican wave.
035. The correct response to an order is not "Whatever floats your boat."
036. I will stop trying to play Matthews' whistle.
037. Wolfe is not 'after me Lucky Charms'.
038. I will not wear my hat at a different angle just to confuse people.
039. "He's not a mutineer, he's a very naughty boy," is not appropriate at a court martial.
040. Lt. Hornblower does not have 'fantastic stretch powers'. I will stop implying that he does.
041. I will stop calling people 'naval-retentive'.
042. 'Weathering the lizard' does not involve any reptiles or umbrellas.
043. I will not start any report with "So this one time at sea.."
044. If I sing 'What shall we do with the drunken sailor' once more, I will find out exactly what we do.
045. I will not continuously use the word 'prevaricating', just because I enjoy saying it.
046. I am not anyone's mate.
047. I will not tell people that bosuns mate for life.
048. I will not burst into a rousing rendition of Gilbert and Sullivan's H.M.S. Pinafore.
049. Yes, he is an Englishman. There is no call for me to sing about it.
050. Gunpowder is not 'nutritious and delicious' and I will stop telling that to the powder monkeys.
51. I will not sing 'I Can't Get No Satisfaction' unless I wish to be challenged to a duel.
052. Captain Birdseye did not countermand my orders.
053. Taking bets on how long the midshipmen will last is inappropriate.
054. The poop deck is not where you "go".
055. When asked how many guns an enemy ship has, the answer is not 42.
056. I will not use flags to send the message 'the British Navy ownz u'.
057. A bigger hat and epaulettes means he outranks me. It does not mean he has less fashion sense.
058. The French revolution is not now.
059. I will not tell people that, when turned upside down, my hat is a perfect model of the ship.
060. The full naval uniform includes a jacket, dress shirt, and hat. That is not all it includes.
061. I will not sing ?How do you solve a problem like Maria? in front of Hornblower.
062. I am not the ship's doctor. I am not allowed to pronounce anyone too stupid to live.
063. I cannot set the cannons to stun.
064. The articles of war are not more actual guidelines than rules.
065. My Bonnie does not lie over the ocean. I will stop saying this is why I joined the navy.
066: To these guys, Marco Polo is not a watersport, and I will not attempt to teach it to Mr Bush.
067: The sinking of a ship is not a good time to teach any crew members to play Marco Polo.
068: I will not sing "Wuthering Heights" or "Babooshka" to Mr Bush.
069. Mr Hornblower is NOT fantastic.
070: When Captain Sawyer was pushed down the hold he did not say "Thanks for telling me about the new hole, guys."
071: Styles is not on National Trust land and he is not to be climbed over.
072: Powder monkeys are not carved with a chopping motion.
073: Midshipman Hammond's perfect looks do not make him a good guy.
074: I will not say "Look! It's the Goodyear Blimp!" to try and distract the enemy.
705: The answer to "how many enemy frigates" is not "69, dude!"
076: I have not seen a ship with black sails. Johnny Depp was not on board.
077: Singing "Stutter Rap" to Mr Buckland is not tactful.
078: I will not heckle Captain Pellew, or indeed any captain at all.
079: It is best to remember that volunteers for the press gang do not spend the day ironing.
080: "Hitting the head" has nothing to do with slapping Oldroyd.
081: Snickering and asking Captain Saywer "How was your trip?" doesn't go over well with the court martial.
082: "Go Fish" is not an acceptable alternative when the captain suggests whist.
083: Annoying American women fished from the ocean are our guests. It is bad manners to ask if we can throw them back.
084: Matthews doesn't appreciate being told that horizontal stripes make him look fat.
085: I will not forget about the coefficient of expansion.
086: The punishment for desertion is death on the beach with your bare butt exposed for others to ridicule.
087: I will not step in/kick/drop/slam any buckets, hatches or doors when hiding from a mad captain and squad of marines.
088: I will not demand to know "what's that noise?!" when my national anthem is being played.
089: I have never, nor has anyone I know, ever lived on a Yellow Submarine.
090: A commission is for life, not just for Christmas
091: 'FairStar - The Fun Ship' is not an appropriate name for one of HMS's vessels.
092: It is not neccessary to ensure that the ship is Y2K compliant.
093: The ensign is to be saluted not used as bedding. Or clothing.
094: "Look, I had too...I was drunk," is probably not the best excuse to give to admiralty.
095: When Dr Clive talks about the cure, you should not answer: 'No, Dr Clive, it's Madness this week.
096: Never salute the captain with two fingers.
097: Or one.
098: The sensible answer to "I understand you fired your sternchaser without any shot in it" would be "I fired the gun to make the French think we were ready," NOT "I've discharged my responsibilities, it's up to you to discharge yours."
099: I will not correct charts by adding Bass Straight.
100: I will not march into the galley and demand that the steward hurry up with the lentils for dinner. Nor will I threaten him by knocking over his piles of teetering crockery.
101: I will not play miniature golf on the quarterdeck...nor will I charge others to play miniature golf on the quarterdeck.
102: When having an argument over possesion of a hammock, I will not set the hammock on fire.
103: Nothing Homer Simpson has ever said will help me in His Majesty's navy.
104: No one will believe me if I say the dog ate my lieutenant's exam paper.
105: Singing "Emergency" by Motorhead will not help me in a crisis.
106: I will not attempt to force the captain to walk the plank.
107: I will not ask the captain how to survive Sonic Attack.
108: 'Use your wheels, it is what they are for', is not an instruction normally included in Admiralty Orders.
109: I will not turn people's hammocks upside down, especially if they are in them at the time.
110: 'Shout, shout and shout again' is not good advice to give to a young and impressionable midshipman.
111: 'Shout, shout and shout again' was never actually said by Lord Wellington. Neither was 'Baaaaah!'
112: I will not switch Lord Nelson's eyepatch to the other side while he sleeps.
113: When in trouble, uttering the words 'I have a cunning plan' is not a good idea. Ever.
114: Not even if the plan is as cunning as a fox who has just been appointed Professor of Cunning at Oxford university
115: "No one said I couldn't" does not equate to permission
116: You can't 'Shotgun' a ship.
117: I will not offer to cook the ships rats for the crew, sauteed, fricasseed, o'van, or otherwise.
118: Shouting 'Iiiiiit's me, hurrah!' if I happen to return from the dead will not win me any friends
119: Neither will walking into my lieutenant's exam and wondering aloud why the place smells of fish
120: I will not spend most of my days in the hold trying to find out which rat is the traitor.
121: I may not adopt a pet rat and call it Scabbers.
122: I will not bring a crystal ball to captain Pellew and predict he will become a cranky dentist in his next life.
123: I will not bring a crystal ball to captain Aubrey and predict he will become a cowboy bandit in his next life.
124: You can not throw the Holy Grenade of Antioch to a French ship, much less stow in in the barky's magazine...unless you are up to par in simple mathematics.

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