Barrayar Jokes

I've lost the attribution to this one sorry...

How many Betans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

(all together now) "They don't screw in lightbulbs! They screw in the Orb!"

(...rimshot...)

You know you've read too much Bujold when…

...and your pain meds aren't working as they're supposed to when you lie awake at night and horrible Quaddie jokes float in your mind... like the one that Quaddies are the only people who'll never vote with their feet...

(...rimshot...)

You mean like the one that goes:

"A young Dendarii man came home all excited and told his Pa about the girl he had just met and was planning to marry. How beutiful and intelligent and sweet she was. 'And, best of all, Pa, she's a virgin.'

Pa is quiet a minute and then says, 'Well, son, if her own family won't have nothin' to do with her, you might want to reconsider..."

(...rimshot...)

Remember, you can take all the "hillbilly" jokes and turn them into Dendarii jokes. You saw the one in Memory "What do you call a hill girl who can outrun her brothers? A virgin." So it's not like we have to completely start from scratch. There was also "You can't count to 12 without taking off your shoes" was also there.

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What do you call a Barrayaran headed for the backcountry with a load of sheep?

A matchmaker.

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There were three Komarrans caught in a broken lift tube for several hours. When they came out, they were all smiling and happy and said "We've made a fortune today!" They had traded the shares in their pockets among themselves.

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Jacksonian and his family were taking a ride over Dendarii gorge, and the father got so nervous he fussed incessantly. At last his Barrayaran pilot said "If you don't say a word the rest of the flight, I'll refund your fare." When they landed, the Jacksonian wiped his forehead and said "It was hard not to speak when my wife fell out of the aircar."

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Barrayaran children's chant.
"Ceta slave, you're just an it.
Ceta, Eta, load of ****."

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How did the Grand Canyon on Earth occur?
A Jacksonian dropped a penny down a gopher hole.

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How do you drive a Barrayaran crazy?
Put him in a round room and tell him there's a bottle of hooch in the corner.

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How do you drive a Betan crazy?
You mean you need to bother?

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(Barrayaran) What do you call five thousand Cetagandan ghem crucified by the side of the road?
Emperor Ezar's Highway Beautification project.

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Why do the Barrayaran Secret Police go around in threes?
One to read, one to write, and the other to keep an eye on those dangerous intellectuals.

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How do you know that the "Harry Potter" books did not take place on Barrayar?
They all can read and write and Hermione's a virgin.

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Why don't Barrayarans go to hell?
Satan says they smell too bad.

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Why don't Betans go to hell?
They do—they just think it's the surface of their homeworld.

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Why don't Komarrans go to hell?
Satan got swindled on shares once too often, so they're barred.

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Why don't Cetagandan ghem and haut go to hell?
They do-—they just have their own, special, exclusive hell, where the punishment is to spend eternity mingling with common people.

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Why don't the Dendarii go to hell?
They do...they just keep doing daring escapes.

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How do you know Blackadder's not a Barrayaran?
He's too nice to Baldrick.

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How do you know Blackadder's not a Cetagandan?
No Cetagandan would do an "uplift-from-turnip" as bad as Baldrick turned out.

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How do you know Blackadder's not a Jacksonian?
He'd have traded Baldrick in on something more useful, like a sump pump.

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Why did the Barrayarrans send dozens of shiploads of sheep home from Escobar?
War brides for the troops...

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What have you got when you have a hundred ghem buried up to their necks in
sh*t?
A need for more sh*t.

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Q: How does a Dendarii hillman tell he's caught himself a mutant?
A: The mutant can count to 12 without taking off his shoes.

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Q: How many Barryarans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, their whole planet glows in the dark.

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Lightbulb jokes...As in "How many xxx does it take to screw in a..."

The Barrayaran doesn't need to, because he glows in the dark. The Betans
can't figure out whether to screw the bulb, the socket, or both at once.
And it takes fifty thousand Komarrans and bankrupts their planet, because
their lightbulb socket is in orbit.

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And the Cetegandans only need one person to actually screw in the
lightbulb. But the ceremony requires four ghem-electritians and takes
over a week to do properly.

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How many Quaddies does it take to change a light bulb?
Not only does it take just one quaddie, he or she can change two at once!

But only in a zero-g environment. Otherwise, two additional people are
needed to lift him up the ladder.

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And the Jacksonians only need one person but he doesn't replace light
bulbs unless paid in advance.

Alternate by borrowing:
Jacksonians don't change light bulbs, they change the standard to dark.

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Other alternate Jacksonian punchlines:
"Twelve. You got a problem with that?"
"One, but it'll cost ya!"

And another alternate for the Betans:
"Depends on how many you can fit in there!

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Another Betan: "one but only if the vote to replace passes"

For Komarr, "one but only if the shareholders have approved it"

For Barrayar, "one but only after his superior orders it"
or (for those with a real anti-Barrayar mindset) "Two, one to replace
the bulb, one to execute the previous bulb"

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Addition to previous Betan:

But the lightbulb has to WANT to change and there's all sorts of
therapy too...

(...rimshot...)

Don't worry, by the time the lightbulb gets through Betan therapy, it
will have wanted to change.

(...rimshot...)