Starship Trooper!

How To Survive Your Stint In Federal Service

(...thanks to the film version of Starship Troopers for being so bad that it inspired...and thanks to the members of The Traveller Mailing List for coming up with the list years ago...)

Twenty useful tips brought to you by Gen. Paul Verhoven, C in C...

20. The enemy can drop driveless asteroids on your cities from over 1000 light years distance-presumably at FTL speeds-without resorting to any visible technology. Therefore, assume they're just stupid Bugs incapable of rational thought;

19. When piloting the ship, don't strap yourself in. When the ship is hit, you'll look cool flying through the air into the viewport;

18. Artillery? Only wussies need artillery.

17. Ignore those plasma bolts the mindless Bugs are firing at your ship-they're just "random light";

16. Be ready to shoot your buddies at a moments notice; they'll thank you for it;

15. Rest assured that, in the future, even the chicks are pumped on testosterone;

14. Remember: football is actually vital combat training;

13. Make the escape pods really hard to get to. It adds dramatic tension when you have to run an obstacle course to reach them;

12. Join the Psychic Friends Network and learn to mind-meld with a mongoose. It just might come in handy;

11. Watch out for those asteroids-their gravity is such that they'll drag your coffee out of its cup at a thousand clicks. (Must be made of neutronium!);

10. Never miss an opportunity to show off your breasts;

9. Power armor? Who needs power armor? (The Feds decided to spend the money on computer animated Bug simulations or something. Sorry...);

8. Before your mission starts, suck your brain out with a straw. You'll save the Bugs the trouble, and you'll be able to sit back and enjoy the ride;

7. Embrace Fascism. The uniforms look cool;

6. Let the new recruit pilot the ship out of the space dock, even though it's her first time at the controls. Computer guidance is for wussies. (Besides, that's the way it's done at Star Fleet, so it must be right);

5. Never do anything original. Only do things heroes of sci-fi action movies have done before;

4. Air support? Only wussies need air support;

3. Leave your copy of Heinlein's book at home. It won't help you here;

2. Always fly your ships in very tight battle formation, no more than 20m apart. It looks cool and you'll get lots of chances to test your piloting skills;

1. Look cute in a uniform.

Just follow these simple instructions and you'll survive your term in Federal Service. Then you'll qualify to be a Citizen. You'll have the right to vote, and a license to have children! Yes, it's a glorious world here in the future, where all the decisions-and all the babies-are made exclusively by steroid-pumped multiple amputees suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and likely to go postal at the sight of cockroaches!

C'mon everybody, sing the Anthem...."Wooo-hooo!"

(I regret to say that I have long ago lost the name of the author of this hilarious gem!)